Navigating via Tensions: Learning to believe what you see

There is an important distinction between belief and conviction. Belief still retains the flavour of its original meaning— a faith in an authority, often someone you were dependent on. It implied a sort of blind trust; faith even when evidence contradicts belief, subservience. The root of conviction, on the other hand, is the same as victory. It speaks to a truth that has emerged from a contest with reality and still rings true.

There’s a difference in agency between the two; a difference in who acts on what. Beliefs are passive things. One is forced to protect them from the outside world, “holding a belief” as though defending a small, fragile thing. The belief does nothing to support itself. But conviction happens to you; you stand while the jury reads the verdict. You are convinced whether you want to be or not.

We find ourselves in trouble today because we lionize belief and fear conviction; fear the reality-testing necessary to validate belief.

Tensions arise when there is a misfit between our belief — the world the way we want it to be — and our experience — the world as it is. When we cling to belief, these tensions feel like a threat. We assume that our ideas about how the world should be are somehow sacred and so the world must be wrong. We create a binary choice — either I’m right or everything is wrong. Once that line is drawn, the ego does everything in its power to prove that it’s right, even if that means rejecting the evidence right before its eyes.

There is another way, of course. We could see the tension between our expectations (our beliefs) and our experience as an opportunity for learning and growth. James Priest says that tensions are an indication that learning and wisdom are ripe. The tension is a gift that draws our attention to what we need to attend to, like a flashing indicator light on the dashboard.

As soon as we stop thinking in simplistic, binary terms — creating false either/or choices — a new way of seeing opens up. We start to see that the tension is created by equally valid opposing drives which animate a living, dynamic system. We have created a false dichotomy where instead there is a continuum. Individual rights vs. collectivism? Live for today or strive for a better tomorrow? Keep your eyes on the big picture or pay attention to the details? Be grateful for what you have or try to leave the place better than you found it? It’s like asking if it’s better to breathe in or breathe out. The answer is yes.

Both and… neither.

When we see the tension as animated by dynamic drivers, we move from ideas of right and wrong to notions of functional or dysfunctional. Dysfunction in a dynamic system is always caused by an imbalance between interconnected drivers; by going too far to either extreme. Having an either/or discussion about them is pointless and unproductive. There is something of value in each and also something dangerous. Both extremes are clearly wrong, and also right, at the same time. So, the more productive question is what does a healthy balance look like? Where is the vibrant middle? And where are the tipping points when we start to see the dysfunction that comes from going to extremes?

Navigating via tensions is a process that supports finding the vibrant middle. It involves a few, simple steps.

• Notice where you feel the tension and use it as an entry point for learning.
• See the tension as the gap between what you expect and what you experience; the world you want vs. the world you currently find yourself in (without privileging either).
• Explore the gap with curiosity to better understand the drivers as dynamic pairs (or sets) — what is animating the situation? And what are the benefits and drawbacks of each?
• Apply the serenity principle (accept what you cannot change, have courage to change what you can, use wisdom to know the difference) to brainstorm and prioritize actions that could move you from where you are to where you want to be.
• Run an experiment. Reality-test your understanding and use your experience to iteratively refine your expectations through disciplined reflection. (See our separate post here on how to do that.)

Technically, the process is simple. Everyone has the cognitive skills necessary to do it. The only barrier is psychological resistance — but, man, is that a big barrier! Most people are still stuck in ego-defensiveness, focusing all of their energy on proving they’re right (and if you are currently thinking about all the reasons I’m wrong, this means you). And even among those who are ready to dismantle their ego-defenses, few are willing to step into the discomfort necessary to do so. As a result, the process is not suitable for most people.

However, if you are one of those rare souls ready to do the deep work of personal and social transformation, seek out others. Contrary to Western ideas of self-help, we humans can only ever thrive in supportive social groups. This work is best done in what Buddhists call the company of noble friends — others committed to the work (while recognizing their distance from being “done” with it).

We are smarter together. In many ways, the neurological deck is stacked against us. We are programmed for belief. We only see what we believe; we don’t believe what we see. This tendency, which is present in all humans, is exacerbated by our current ego-driven “the customer is always right” culture. Being in a supportive group of seekers helps provide greater perspective. Like the blind men and the elephant, seeing things from different angles paints a more complete picture.

We are stronger together. Real learning and rapid adaptation require a deliberate, intentional process that explicitly documents expectations and experience and commits to regular structured reflection to identify and integrate learning. Like flossing regularly, the benefits are real, but so is the resistance to doing it. Working together provides increased motivation to do that “important non-urgent” work, plus accountability to stick to the commitments we’ve made to ourselves and encouragement to get back on the horse when (inevitably) we fall.

We heal faster together. We are all the product of the social system that has caused all the problems we face today. We have been programmed to commit the destruction we are currently waking to. In essence, we are like addicts in recovery, fashioning a new lifestyle even as we try to extract ourselves from those old familiar yet destructive ways. There is always the danger of relapse, especially when we are surrounded with folks who are “still using,” as it were. A strong support network can help keep you on the path to recovery, but only if the folks in the network are equally committed to recovery for themselves.